Why "My Choice" empowers ?

While traveling through a village, giving sermons and being greeted with hopeful eyes, Buddha had a chance encounter with a man who started hurling abuses at him. Without getting upset, Buddha asked him, " If you buy a gift for someone and that person doesn't take it, who does the gift belong to?". Puzzled by such an obvious question, the man replied, "I bought the gift. Of course, it belongs to me". 

Buddha's point was that we always have a choice- whether to accept what a person offers- adulation, anger, advice and be affected by it or not accept it allowing it to remain with the former. It is this choice of doing what you believe in that's most empowering and liberating. We might espouse always having a choice and the significance of being brave enough to make unique choices but the real thing to introspect upon is whether we believed we always had a choice, whether we made things simpler and easier for others to exercise their choice and if not, whether we could have done things differently so that everyone had a choice.

We don't choose the family we are born into or the society we grow up in. We can't anticipate the kind of people we will meet ahead in life. We have always been taught that we need to take people along in our choices thus conditioning us to a list of the rights and wrongs conforming to which will not rock the boat. In such a scenario, is our volition really free and are our choices really ours? We keep consoling ourselves that we weren't selfish but how many can really be at peace for giving up things that we really wanted to do for ourselves? How many of us can promise that learning from this, we won't impose our choices on others? It's a vicious circle that I can see breaking free when people start loving themselves much more than anybody else in the world.

From what life has taught me, this self-love is the most liberating and empowering force ever. It's difficult to make most people understand this. But I saw the Vogue Empower video doing that and for all the shock value that it has, it's an attempt to make the deaf hear. From where I see it, it's a video with 99 women claiming that what they do in life will be their choice. Whether it's a woman, a man, a child or an elder- the same theme can be used to make a video on anyone's empowerment since choices are of an individual and are not class specific. From where I see it, it's not targeted at men but at anyone who doesn't respect your choice. The choice to have a baby is of two people and if either doesn't want it, it shouldn't be thrust upon. The choice of sexual orientation is what you are born with, it's not a disease to be cured or a fad to be counseled out of. The choice of the kind of relationship you want- only for lust, only for love or for both- with fidelity or not- is upon two people who are in the relationship.

It's not easy for a person to rock the boat and make choices that are not popular. No one can deny that he understands the risk of drowning himself or the people he chose to travel with. But nevertheless if he/she has the gumption to take that risk, why get antagonized? As long as one's choices are consistent and have equal standards, why not just let them be ? And if all resolve to guide and not preach, give the confidence to stand by each other irrespective of the choices made, everyone will stand empowered.

I am lucky to find myself in the company of people who have never hesitated to share their perspectives but value my choices above all. What connects them is the self love so high that they neither crave for approval themselves nor get tempted to approve of others actions. One should be open to learning from other's mistakes but should have the freedom to make theirs too. Show them the room of order but give them the key to the chaos too. This responsibility disciplines like no other force. Give them the "choice" that liberates, empowers and fills with love, rest assured it will be given back to you.

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AIB to India's Daughter: All that keeps the bakchod Indian's interest alive

The helplines are buzzing with life. The agitation of living in a ban republic is driving everyone nuts. The first caller can't handle his anxiety to see the banned sadomasochist "Fifty Shades of Grey" though he assiduously backs up his hard drive with the porn downloaded from DC++. The second caller is deeply hurt at the banning of "India's Daughter" though he watched it only after it was banned just to realize that it's a polished version of "Gaur Se Dekhiye is Insaan Ko" that made each viewer relive the ghastly memories of Dec 16, 2012 to no effect. The third caller sulks at the controversy about the AIB Roast video probably because he hasn't seen other ROAST videos that hit way below the belt but with a different class altogether. I cannot help but notice - are we concerned about turning into a ban republic OR sulking about everything banal that is banned in this republic? There have been multiple things that have been restricted in the past,  on grounds of threat to law and order or the sensitivities of varied sections of people or for reasons not understood by us. But if we do want to use our voice to fight for the freedom of speech and expression, isn't it fair that we judiciously use it for  a work that is great in quality and truly deserving of a backing. Though discussed in the Jaipur Literary fest, why wasn't there any anger when the noted author Perumal Murugan had no option but to apologize for the classic Madhorubhagan (One Part Woman) and renounce writing forever ? Have we really lost the ability to decipher what needs to be agitated upon? The recent chaos and the bugle sounding over mediocrity relegates into the background a tolerant India that as a nation breaks its silence and fights back only on things that matter.

3 years ago when "India's Daughter" battled for her life, the whole nation woke up to fill the streets not only to India Gate but also to discreet chowk of the quaintest Indian town. We can hardly imagine what a victim of abuse be it Nirbhaya or the Badaun girls or the child molested in Bangalore wished to be different. Would things have been different had sex education been compulsory in schools, if she had known that his touch was a bad one, if he had known that there are boundaries that need to be respected and " a no is a no" ? Would things have been different had she been taught that no form of violence should be tolerated by a woman, that it's prudent to step out and report in the first stage of any oppression rather than wait for things to get worse in the hope of saving the honor of the family? Would things have been different had the police understood the concept of "emotional violence" and lodged an FIR without any proof of gagging or abuse marks? Leave the serious ones, let's talk about what happens daily? Would things have been different if we rubbished the gossip that a colleague got promoted not for talent but for sleeping with the boss, if we kicked in the butt every sexist assumption that we encounter every day? No one knows the answers. What we do know is that it's a long battle that requires us to use our voice from time to time. The Justice Verma recommendations and the consequent reform in rape laws bear testimony to how much our angst matters. The furore is like antibiotics- effective only when used judiciously, not to be prescribed for daily bakchodi.

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Bodh Gaya and Vipassana- The Grand Finale

Mahabodhi Temple at Bodh Gaya

The contrasts between Gaya and Bodh Gaya situated hardly 30 mins away are exhilarating. Unlike other pilgrim towns that I have visited, there was a marked difference in what I felt in Gaya. It wasn't the thousands thronging the station, the streets and the by-lanes for the "Pind-daan" during "Pitru Paksh" at Gaya that was bothering me. There was an eerie sense of negativity and restlessness in that town which was probably explained by understanding the reference to Gaya as being blessed by Vishnu but overpowered by the curses of Sita. " According to the Ramayana, at one point of time Falgu was one of the major rivers of India.

Pind-daan at Falgu

But its fate changed when Lord Ram visited Gaya with wife Sita for pinddaan during pitripaksha. While Ram and brother Lakshman were away, to fetch pinddaan material, suddenly an akashvani (celestial announcement) happened, stating that this was the best time to offer pinddaan. Honouring the akashvani, Sita performed the pinddaan keeping the Falgu, a Brahmin, a cow, tulsi (holy basil) and a banyan tree (vat) as witnesses. When the two brothers returned, she told them she had performed the ritual on hearing the akashvani. But when she looked at her witnesses, except for the banyan tree none of the others testified that Sita had indeed performed pinddaan. This upset Sita and she cursed the other 4. She cursed Phalgu river that it would be dried on the top (geographically explained to be a subterranean stream), the cow that it would no longer be worshipped from the front, the fire that whatever came in contact with it would be destroyed and the Gaya Brahmins that they would never be satisfied but blessed Akshay vatam that it would remain evergreen. " That atmosphere hence is what happens when you lie. All that changes to a peace within when one enters Bodh Gaya-no wonder for its pristine beauty and serenity that this place was chosen by Buddha to meditate and finally seek Enlightenment.It was here that he discovered that suffering will disappear if we know ourselves. Rediscovered by Buddha himself, Vipassana is nothing else but an insight that cuts through conventional perception to perceive mind and matter as they actually are: impermanent, unsatisfactory, and impersonal.

Vipassana center @ Bodh Gaya

In order to see things the way they are, one ought to have a "beginners mind". Almost as if you are born again into a different place, one has to detach from the world- no communication (10 days of noble silence), no books, no newspapers, no mobiles, no notepad to evoke memories or put down what you feel. Whatever happens in the moment is important and needs to be accepted the way it is- irrespective of the sensation it evokes, the moment is transient and will pass. Attach yourself to a happy moment and you invite misery when it doesn't happen again when you expect it too. Attach yourself to a sad moment and you are perennially miserable missing out the umpteen worthy moments that passed by. In the course of practicing Vipassana, one leads the life of a Bhikshu- surviving on the alms of others.

Bhikshunis @ Bodh Gaya

Imagine every single expense of your stay not being paid by you. Imagine you being served by ex-students of Vipassana who in real life are much highly placed than you are. It is this humility in the life of a Bhikshu that helps us to accept the truth in every moment. Most other forms of meditation involve focusing  your attention on an object or chanting a hymn and temporarily experiencing a sense of calm by suppressing your feelings. But the feelings return when the object of association disappears. In Vipassana, you concentrate on your sensations. the human body experiences umpteen sensations at any given point and each one is just as transient as the other. If our mind is fixated on experiencing a particular sensation, then that part becomes a blind spot- far away from the true nature of sensation that exists there. If not, its a free flow akin to life that has so many experiences to offer. Of course the mind is not quiet or stable when you start doing this- you will be overwhelmed by what comes back as memories, shocked to find out the truth, miserable at what you have done so far so much so that you would want to run away. But that's where Vipassana is different- by making you bring up feelings, thoughts, emotions- it makes you deal with it rather than suppress it. And once you accept the truth, it rises like a bubble from within and disappears from the top of your mast, never to return back and haunt you. 10 days of pure magic worked by you  on you. The addict from Mexico, the cynic from Slovenia, the spiritual from Texas, the prankster from Ireland, the smitten from Australia and the love hurt from India- all had the same childlike smile and seemed to have understood each other for ages without uttering a word. No time before had I loved walking barefoot, no time before had I worried about a sheath of broken glass or soft grass ahead. Not just for speeches, I knew what it was to love life.

Bliss in meditation

Rewind to Oct 2013- in the backdrop of a painful divorce, I had made a great friend. Absolutely unabashed in his approach, he can make cynics take note of everything positive that happens around. For some strange reason, though I started with how unfair things were with me in my marriage - that part that which is true but convenient to speak, I opened up to him about all that I couldn't deal on my own, what I could have done better to save my marriage. He never judged me and for the few moments he did, he more than made it up by admitting to it. Months passed and I knew it was love. But just the thought of falling in it made me shiver. I had been battling a hundred demons inside, one of them convincing me that I was probably too egotistical to sustain a relationship. Six years with a  guy who is now happily married to another classmate and one and half years with a guy who will eventually be happily married, can even make the staunch romantics sit up and wonder what's wrong in your head. Also people are nice to victims. As soon as victims stop getting victimized and fight back, all that sympathy-empathy disappears. And if you happen to be a divorcee who is coming back to life and is in love, God save you from getting stereotyped as a class A whatever. Sept 2014 and Vipassana comes to my rescue- it's the ultimate realization - in common parlance, "shit happens" (shit = events in life + people) and even if it does, learn from it, move on and "Carpe Diem" (seize the moment my friend). So Elizabeth Gilbert after completing her meditation in Kolkata went all the way to Bali where she found love once again. All I had to do post Vipassana was make a quick phone call to Delhi. And since then, boy !!! Has my life been rolling !!! :) :)

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Bodh Gaya and Vipassana- Part 2- The journey

I love train journeys. I can't help but draw parallels with life itself. Isn't life a one way train ticket- you get on board with some who will eventually leave you half way to catch a super fast express forward, others who meet you on the way making every moment enjoyable but making no promises of where they plan to break the journey. Some who get on your nerves and to avoid them, you request the TT to change your seat. But if too many people happen to get on your nerves, the TT would probably stop entertaining your requests and point out that the problem perhaps lies with you. In a journey, you are at your best in the beginning. When you start getting comfortable with seeing familiar faces, you start seeking permanence and wish you see them everyday. You start believing that meeting them was perhaps the purpose of your journey which it is not. You become vulnerable and they also get to see you at your worst. Everything is ephemeral and people you wanted to hold on to sometimes need to leave you behind. They would head for the same destination anyway but may be not on the same train that you picked. And when they bid farewell- they could either be grateful for the moments they spent with you and cherish them for life or scar you citing your vulnerabilities as the reason they rejected you as a co-passenger. It's up to you to realize that there's nothing sad in accepting that we are on our own always. That's the thing about love, life and train journeys- no matter how long they last and where they take you, they are always worth it. And this belief awaited to be strengthened as I completed my 14 hour train journey from Cuttack to Gaya.

Coming up next: Last Part: It's not just Elizabeth Gilbert who found love after meditation. It's not an epic ending. Just a prologue to an eventful start.

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Bodh Gaya and Vipassana- Part 1- Why this?

Often in life we feel lost. Surprisingly just loafing around like that and following our instincts, we end up in the place we exactly needed to arrive at. If I try to recollect why on earth I decided to go for a Vipassana meditation course in Bodh Gaya, it seems hazy. I had heard about it once from my teacher but it really never aroused my curiosity. I, of all people, isn't the typical one who you would expect to go on a spiritual journey seeking the ultimate truth. I remember the puzzled look on my ex-husband's face on our first girl-meets-guy-through bharat matrimony date, when he asked me whether I was religious or spiritual or both and I replied, " I am practical and sane." And how can the chatterbox who was nicknamed "RadioMirchi" by her grad friends or "Kranny" (kid+granny) by the love of her life sign up for a course where she can't communicate with anybody (even through signals) and has to be cut off from the world (no mobile phones, no music, no books, no diary) for 10 days!! Well that's life! Sometimes allowing yourself to get lost is the precursor to finding your way. 

It was right after my UPSC prelims that I signed up for it online. I was exhausted- both physically and mentally- concentrating to study in the backdrop of a divorce had been very difficult and would continue to be an ordeal unless I could somehow select my thoughts as I select clothes. And then I came across this masterpiece by Elizabeth Gilbert- Eat Pray Love which speaks about the journey of a woman who is recovering from a divorce and rough relationships to find herself- so she treats herself to food in Rome, meditation in Kolkata and finally ends up falling in love once again in Bali. Now seeing that I was already overweight with the ghar-ka-khana and the fear lurking in my head about my inability to sustain a relationship, I thought I could try meditating for a change. And that's the thing about people who are still miserable about things that happened in the past. Since they constantly seek answers to why such things happened to them without knowing where to seek them, they end up being disappointed with themselves. And to overcome this disappointment, they set even more difficult targets to achieve. Vipassana is probably one of the toughest meditation courses to go through since it compels you to look within to achieve that balance and Gaya is the place one could avoid traveling alone, especially for women- which is why I think , on 29th August, I submitted my form for a 10 day Vipassana course at Bodh Gaya.

Coming up Next- The train journey

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Desire for Change

We often debate about the kind of people that have the maximum impact on society- people that can bring in the change that we all want to see. I have somehow always believed that any person who gets agitated about any situation or state- be it as personal as constant tension with his girlfriend or as professional as customer dissatisfaction and dwindling sales of the product he handles , as individual as the deteriorating condition of his grandmother or as societal as the gaping holes in the social net for the elderly- does have the inherent capacity to change things for the better himself.

 I wouldn't wait for that moment when I am capable of doing something out of this world- that is the most effective panacea for eliminating that cause of agitation.  The reason I wouldn't wait is not because I feel that moment won't come- it will eventually- but for that, I can't be a mute spectator today. Every time I execute an idea, its impact is there for me to see. I would know how juvenile it is or whether I am fixated on the wrong path . Some mistakes are an inevitable part of any serious effort to grapple with the reality. In a way, despite mistakes and setbacks, it is perhaps no misfortune that no ready-made, cut and dried, symmetrical formula is available to us - to cure what ails us today. 

Such formula that you wait for are often lifeless, and therefore poor guides to action .But who knows the impact of what you have taken up today- it may be just be as potent as the first squeeze of the olive that gives the best tasting and most valued "extra virgin" olive oil. Could I allow not acting on those ideas and age to probably shell out an ordinary olive oil at the third or fourth squeeze? Could I allow not risking at each small step and perfecting the path to eliminate the cause for my agitation? Someone criticized me for having this attitude- dubbing me as a part of  the "worse kind" bureaucrat class who just take these baby, frivolous or paltry steps for personal satisfaction when in reality, the situation at large doesn't improve a tad bit.  My answer to this is- the probability of the right idea striking the right person at the right place and the right time is low enough to shake people into constant action- that eureka moment will only be realized if we all do what best we can today. 

There will be systemic limitations for sure- but just as Jonathan Livingstone Seagull believed- your gift is not only your limitless thought but also the love for the system you are a part of and that may have always considered you to be an outcast. A classic case of "Rome was not built in a day"- look around you, appreciate any step taken with the right intent- if you find it insignificant, don't belittle it and push them into the same state of inaction that you are in- instead, join them and let their and your ideas pick up steam.

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